He walked in with a stride of a dancer. One of the first things I registered was wondering how a man so muscular can be so graceful when he walks. When I was introduced to him, I was supremely conscious of the fact that I wasn't breaking eye contact. That's when I knew I was in trouble when I met my best friend's boyfriend for the first time.
Of course in that moment I had nothing but immense curiosity to get to know him. There was also the impending need to act "normal". You know, NOT give away that there is a storm raging inside you.
But the more he spoke, the harder it became for me to rein in the forbidden thoughts. He was clearly well read, worldly, and polished. And I was left reminding myself constantly, that he wasn't someone I was out on a date with. It was enough to try and ignore the feeling of interest that was waiting off him too. But that, I told myself, was just him getting to know the "best friend". One he will call to ask for help when planning a surprise for out common person, the one he will call to get in touch with her when they will go through a rough patch. The one he will never, ever think of in a romantic way.
In my attempt to rationalise the whole thing, I spent nights thinking about what form of validation was I seeking from him and why. Was it, in a twisted way, to satiate the need of that person who was never accepted by a man like him? Was it just a need to be loved by someone as smart?
These were the same nights I'd listen to my friend talk about him. Vicarious pleasures. The getting to know him, even if I was only getting to know OF him.
Later on, I told myself that the feelings of rejection that I was setting myself up for only away to torture my already taxed soul. Whatever repressed feeling and needs I harboured, my girlfriend's boyfriend wasn't going to calm them down.
And I was alone in staring into his eyes, with the intensity that was mine alone.
Comments
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. The facts and opinions appearing in the article do not reflect the views of NDTV and NDTV does not assume any responsibility or liability for the same.
