Marriage is one of society's age old cultural constructs that traditionally celebrates the emotional, sexual and familial union of the two sexes - the man and the woman. The romantic marriage as we know it envisages a life of happiness and companionship where socially approved and legally sanctioned child rearing takes place as a result of being together.
Whatever the reason, marriage indicates a lifelong association of two unique beings. Due to its state of permanency, a lot of pressure and speculation surrounds the idea of marriage. People are afraid of a mistake feeling like a dark labyrinth from which there is no escape. People get married for all kinds of reasons but it's important to remember that if something comes together, it can be undone too. If one gets married for unhealthy reasons, there is a risk that the relationship will feel utilitarian, boring and stale over time.
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Here are 5 unhealthy reasons why people get married and how it may harm their happiness and sense of self worth in the long run.
A need for company
Loneliness can be frightening for some people. If you take such people out of their regular social constructs, they'd struggle with what to do with themselves. Some people are unable to even enjoy a quiet meal by themselves. If marriage is sought out as a solution to have someone to 'hang out with', then chances are that your need to come home to someone and not 'get so bored' will also make you completely vulnerable to your partner. To give complete control to someone else and expect them to be your 'go-to' for when you need 'hearing' and 'nurturance' may be a tall order for them.
Partners may dislike being put 'in the spot'. Partners may grow tired of catering to a needy spouse and may use that spouse's fear of abandonment as a 'bargaining chip' to show the partner 'who's in control'. To always hanker after other people is to give them control of our needs and emotions. It is important to learn to be comfortable in our own company so that we can use that time to discover our own life's purpose, strengths and find a unique journey and adventure that will sum up the goals and meaning of our life.
A need for sexual gratification
Some people are conditioned to believe that their sexual needs can only be met legally, morally and in an assured way if they get married. Now while the topic of sex for recreation versus procreation can raise some socio-cultural eyebrows, to see marriage merely as a sexual outlet is to be unfair to the hopes and dreams of the partner who shares and invests in the relationship. There is so much nuance and variety to life. Sex is merely one dimension of a relationship and sex on demand is a way of turning the marriage into an almost token based exchange of bodily favours. Intellectual bonding, compassion and the freedom to co-create a project or nurture a dream together is a key part of the relationship journey. Besides, our libido doesn't always stay the same as we age. Every human being has different needs and plans to have those needs met and to see marriage merely as a carnal conduit is to see marriage in a limited manner that may ultimately challenge and stifle the relationship. It's important to respect what your partner wants from the marriage and sex is merely one facet of a happy marriage.
A need to make the family happy
Some people get married to continue the family name and as a way to gain 'brownie points' with the elders at home. This isn't just a popular stereotype. Families play a huge role in getting people to make certain life choices that may stay as lifelong choices. After all, our families are our first ever training ground where we initially learn how to behave, how to speak and what to expect from life. Families become our identities and we see ourselves as answerable to them in exchange for the love, security and material comfort that they provide us with. However, a marriage essentially takes place between two people who need to be perfectly capable of resolving conflicts and finding the way forward together as they support each other's shared and individual plans for life.
The happiness of the family may be contingent on several social and cultural factors. These factors may change depending on the mood, values and needs of family members. It's important that you are independent of these vagaries and keep a vigil over your life which is your responsibility to build and protect. Marriage is one of the most important decisions of your life. This means that it should be a decision made not just to appease someone else. While a coming together of two families is an important factor in marriages, know that the marriage milestone isn't the only thing that impedes the forming of successful relationships. Trust, respect and commitment support the foundations of all relationships. A marriage needs to take place from a place of care and conviction. If the partner you have chosen will help you become a better version of yourself and will add meaning and direction to your life, you'll see that the changing opinions of others ceases to matter and that you finally can control your own destiny.
A need for an old age investment
To marry someone due to a need to be 'tended' to in one's old age is a way of seeing yourself as 'incapable' as being able to survive the world on your own. Companionship need not be assured through socio-cultural and legal means only. Companionship is a result of how affable, generous and available one is for other human beings. It's true that people like to be heard but the whole world if your audience is you have something riveting and kind to say. To merely get married because you want to use another human being as an emotional insurance policy is to relegate your partner to the limited role of a 'supplier of needs'. How will you ever be free of the supply metrics of someone else?
While it is true that one's old age can pose physical and mental challenges, marriage isn't a fail-safe that will ensure that suffering will always be kept at bay or managed well. A healthy lifestyle is filled with choices made that are independent of what other people feel about you & yet there needs to be empathy towards the feelings of other people. These make for ideal marriages where negotiation & a mutual understanding help to navigate the way forward for the couple. Children born from a marriage may decide to part ways with parents so it's quite possible that the roles that were set up do not deliver as expected. So is marriage really about sowing seeds or about growing into the person you were always destined to be?
A need for loyalty
Human beings have a secret desire to stay immortal and valid. Nothing hurts more than feeling irrelevant in this world. Some people may see marriage as a proxy for being seen as important enough. Marriage may represent the successful acquisition of someone's loyalties as well. But this is a limited view of companionship. Companion isn't merely a culmination of being tied to a post with each other. Companionship is about an expansion of mind-sets. Sometimes it may even take a stranger to awaken something within us that was dormant. What do we really own in this world? If the idea of marriage is to buy someone's loyalty for life, it would mean that the loyalty was transacted for and is up for hire. Loyalty needs to be earned based on how much of oneself is one wiling to extend for another person. Another human being's involvement in your life means that you will have to eventually tend to their needs too and to get married just to have someone cater to one's needs to be 'cajoled and attended to' is selfish.
This is why it is important to get married after only careful consideration about what are one's reasons for marriage. The coming together of two people is a beautiful opportunity to explore and learn about the world but if you're getting married for unhealthy reasons, you're likely to spend your life nit-picking and cherry-picking towards an unrealistic idea of what your relationships must come to represent.
Aman Bhonsle is a Psychosocial Analyst and Youth Mentor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai , and has been working with the youth for eight years.
