No relationship is perfect - we all know that. No matter how amazing it may look from the outside, there is always some problem or the other on the inside. And while that's not always unhealthy - some relationship habits can be. Here are a few of them...
1. Attempting To Change Your Partner
Using pop psychology to 'constantly' analyze the partner and 'insist' that the other become a new improved version of themselves, reduces the relationship to 'analyst' and the 'analyzed' instead of mutually respectful equal partners. It also takes away free will and makes love 'conditional'. Remember: A controlled or enslaved partner does not feel loved and respected, and is always seeking to break free.
2. Laughing At Your Partner
When you have fun at the expense of your partner in public you are being disrespectful. Making him/her a laughing stock in front of kids, family and friends is insensitive and inconsiderate, and encourages a free-for-all with others taking potshots too. Remember that a joke that hurts another cannot be considered a joke.
3. Parenting Your Partner
'Insisting' that your partner do what you think is 'good for him/her', whether it is a health regime in terms of food and exercise, spending/saving style, interaction style with family/friends etc., makes the relationship a parent-child one instead of two equals. Whether the 'child' partner conforms and becomes dependent, or rebels as a show of independence, both reactions do not allow the relationship to be an adult-adult one.
4. Playing 'Sacrificial Lamb'
If you deprive yourself and 'put your partner first', in terms of food preferences, TV programs to watch, places to visit, movies to see etc. you are doing the relationship and your partner a great disservice, as you eliminate the possibility of the all-important 'us' factor that is reached through a win-win scenario and is a negotiated space by both. This sacrifice creates a hierarchy with you assuming a 'holier than thou' status. Such sacrifices are not out of love for the other, but to win brownie points in your own eyes as you are so much in love with yourself and your 'good person' image in your eyes.
5. Taking The Relationship For Granted?
Those who believe that a relationship automatically remains fresh and green forever are mistaken. Just as a plant needs to be watered regularly to survive and thrive, a relationship needs to be nurtured, or else it will wither away. Keeping the romance alive through Time, Talk and Touch demonstrates that you value the relationship, and that you are willing to put in the 'Labor of Love', and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
6. Toxic Communication
Communication can make or break a relationship. When you resort to name calling, hitting below the belt, threatening, shoving guilt trips, in-law bashing, comparing your spouse with others etc. you are multiplying the existing issues in the relationship and impeding problem solving.
7. Breaking Communication
Sulking and remaining aloof in resentful silence or cold indifference is in fact a powerful non-verbal communication that you do not care enough to verbally communicate. This can only worsen the existing situation, as both let resentment breed in them, and it then gets more and more difficult to connect normally and solve problems.
8. Being Your 'Dirty' Self
While it is important to be your 'real' self with your partner, and have a comfort zone in the relationship, it does not give you permission to be inconsiderate towards your partner and do things you would normally not do in the presence of those you want to please. Passing wind, loud burps, garlic breath, sitting around with smelly socks or clothes smelling of stale perspiration is not the 'self' your partner deserves - at least, all the time. Your 'best' real self is what your partner deserves and should get.
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Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.
