Mothers-in-law are that standalone breed that few bahus understand but most have to live with because what isn't going away can be devious and injurious to your health. There is a reason why most of us do not accept a Facebook friend request from the M-I-L! So here are 8 tips to surviving her:
1. What you get is not what you met
It's one big fairy tale when your boyfriend first introduces you to his mother. There is a love fest of the sort you will never come close to seeing again, just as that first cuppa will remain the most peaceful you have ever shared in the house. So, don't go singing paeans too early, because things turn around and darn quickly! Once you are married and the sheen wears off, "Reality Bites" becomes more than just a 90s movie with a great soundtrack. Don't go looking for what was, accept it's over and instead remember: that was then, this is now, and the twain shall not meet. The quicker you accept the change of dynamics, the easier it is to set your own boundaries and go with the flow that suits you.
2. Always the daughter-in-law, never the daughter
Make no mistake: you will never be the daughter of the house, especially if there are a couple of them hanging around anyway. Your mother-in-law, like my sister's, can gushingly tell your mom how she is gaining another daughter, but those were just the right empty words said at the right time. She and her daughter will gossip when they think you aren't listening and hide expensive gifts to and from each other when they think you aren't watching. Someone I know actually walked in to see her sister-in-law jump down to lie prostrate over a box; the next day she was wearing new solitaire earrings! Easier said than done, but shrug and go buy your own, because no matter how hard you try, you will remain the outsider. Have zero expectations and who knows? Some day, you may actually be surprised!
3. Keep it separate, keep it sane
In all our Hindi dramas, the politics of the ladies of the house is often over a burning stove, and metaphorically, there is probably some truth in it. Before you get married, make sure the kitchens are separate, or you at least have a pantry of your own, because trying to do that later will instantly earn you the label of a home-breaker! Keeping it independent gives you not just physical distance but also emotional space, plus you can eat what you like, when you like, just like me!
4. Grow a thick skin
The feeble and the naive will sink because a mother-in-law is a player and she gets the game way better than you. She will dismiss your parents, insist you meet every long-lost relative and often behave as though she is the victim. I have seen friends flinging their phones in frustration at the drama in the house, but it is better to accept that there is no equality and that sons-in-law and their families will get the red carpet and the best food on the table. A friend's sister-in-law is married into a very well-to-do business family and she initially struggled with the disparity in treatment, but now dismisses it, knowing there is no cure for a patriarchal mindset.
5. They are not babysitters, get yourself a nanny
Pregnancy makes you believe in the surreal, like what a wonderful world it will be when your baby meets her grand-mother who will leap forward to help you change diapers along with the tedious task of making the baby burp. Boom! Here is your baby, her dirty diaper and her gurgling mouth with saliva leaking out of it! The mother-in-law will not budge from her routine and the baby is just a show-off piece for the poker gang when he or she is looking presentable. Otherwise, the grandmother wants nothing of "it" till the baby is at least five years of age. A friend learnt it the hard way when her mother-in-law barely made it to the hospital before the delivery and then told her to get her own mother to help or do it herself because she wouldn't be pitching in.
6. Your child, a scoring game
When your child becomes less of a monkey and resembles a human being, the mother-in-law surfaces, taking over and confusing him. Although he doesn't remember spending much time with her, she regales him with stories of how she brought him up and he slept with her night after night while his parents were supposedly out partying. This is a true story that a relative is still juggling with, since none of it actually happened. But don't fret about your child being influenced, that phase too shall pass. Your child grows up and sifts the exaggerations from the truth, I have seen that with my own. And, no matter how hard she tries, he will always be your child.
7. Her illness is always bigger than yours
Don't bother even mentioning that you are under the weather because that's the trigger for a knee creaking in shattering pain or the sudden bout of weakness that hits only in front of a daughter-in-law. They will not move an inch from the couch to help you, so learn to fend for yourself and if it's bad, call in your family as reinforcements. If your husband is as smart as mine and knows the truth from the theatrics, he will see the real picture, else it's not a bad idea to be double-faced too!
8. Seasons in the sun
After the breakdown comes the patch-up which is the uneasy calm before another meltdown. That's the in-law cycle and it's best to not fight it. Most of us have tried and given up! Go along for the ride and if everything else fails, put the plant known as "Mother-in-law's tongue" in your bedroom. It's good for not just keeping mosquitoes away but can also work as your personal voodoo tool!
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