Ghosts of the chequered & seemingly random unpleasantness that we experience in past relationships, can stalk us with a certain tragic persistence. Breakups are hard. Recoveries are harder. Either way, there's a fair bit to process.
Sour memories of 'what happened' versus 'what could or should have happened' feed into our mind as we try to decipher what really happened. Not all clues are born equal.
We seek comfort in familiar people & experiences. Changes in our lives can be scary & frustrating. People grow attached to their agendas & hopes but it's important to remember that 'not all wishes come true'.
After a relationship ends, what people think about what they 'now know about relationships' is often a combination of a disgruntled & jaded proclivity to attack or withdraw, based on how severe the betrayal and the humiliation, or how painful the feelings were.
Here are a few ways to stop that negativity from seeping into your personal life.
Don't Trust All The Information You Find
While information that's gathered after an interpersonal debacle could have some value, the emotional lows caused by the 'loss of a dream' can often lead to delusional & prejudicial behaviour in its wake. What does this entail ? Popular clichéd statements surface like - 'All men are assholes' or 'all women are bitches'. Popularly celebrated clichés are heralded as the 'ultimate truth' as a way to hit back at the cataclysmic eventuality of a failed romantic engagement. Not all information is reliable & all facts must be treated with reasonable doubt. When hope is lost clarity often gets lost too. You need time to filter out the information that you think is reliable by speaking to someone who's far removed from your situation & could provide an objective assessment to you so you can go from feeling like a victim to turning into an investigative survivor. That's when the healing can begin.
Permit Yourself To Heal
A severely negative experience could rile a person up in morbid & heady ways. This makes them completely oblivious to or distrustful of all context & clarity that's needed to help them resolve their predicament. Our mind finds ways to protect & gratify our expectations of the world. Sometimes we may attempt to adapt to the new normal. This may bring anger & grief to the table & may frustrate all efforts at an objective appraisal of 'what actually went wrong'. Give yourself the permission to recover. This needs patience & a commitment to investigate where things got out of control. If therapy or essential reading is warranted to self-educate yourself, then that is what you must do.
No Quick Fixes
At the risk of contaminating our experience of the present, people often look for 'quick & easy' ways to bounce back ! This is impractical & impossible. The end of a relationship flags off the start of another battle. Expectations from our partners continue to mutate based on what we think 'a good partner' should be like. All pain is unique to the individual experiencing it. You must take the time for self-care, plan a holiday or pick up a new hobby in this period. Busyness is the key to keep those brain cells stimulated long enough to jog our innate problem solving abilities. We can save ourselves.
Don't Seek A Replica
We generalize our expectations of life & love that we file away for future reference based on the people we've been in relationships with. While this may give a certain sense of 'thematic continuity' to our efforts at love, such a guarded view is neither fair to the new entrant in our world, nor is it helpful to your healing process. The tendency to suspect everyone new in your life as your enemy through tinted glasses, is unfair to the new entrant in your life who has no clue what he/she has 'walked into'. Your new relationship needs to be received with a fresh set of expectations & this will mean spending time chatting, exploring new activities to try, being silly, creative, & even traveling together to discover what makes you'll tick. To think that your new partner will inevitably mirror the behaviour & attitudes of your ex-partner is stifling to all the potential he or she brings to your current relationship. People need to be given a chance to prove their place in our lives. Instead of choking yourself with fears of being left in the lurch, it's important to also learn to take things as they come. Every human being comes from a certain set of circumstances & unless those are properly appreciated, a contaminated & flaky state of ill-fitted compatibility will ensue.
Build Yourself From Ground Up
To feel whole again, you are going to have to find the time to assess several aspects of your life. While the past may be seen as a solid point of reference in trying to decipher how 'the world works' & 'how life shall now be lived', don't trust all facts blindly based on how 'true' they appear. Your lack of trust due to your negative experiences may necessitate an important investment in 'securing the fortress' that is your mind & imagination. To get splintered emotionally every time a relationship ends is natural, but to let that continue to erode one's potential for learning & growth is where problems begin. Even the most mundane pieces of software require constant updates & it's important for you to realise that disparate agendas lead to frustrated efforts at togetherness for a couple. This does not make you lesser in any manner nor should it force you to get vexed or jumpy constantly around new people. It is important to learn the art of persistence & to empathize with all those around us. Everything worthwhile in our lives takes time to build. One has to resolve to upgrade oneself - through one's social presence, communication skills, knowledge of self and of the world. It is important to invest in one's health & profession to be able to truly stand out & stay standing even when the tides of change crash against our hopes of 'how it was supposed to be' in our heads.
You'll probably feel a rush of emotions when memories of past relationships creep up on you but those emotions should merely be seen as indicators of how you feel in the 'present moment'. To add additional colour to them will merely steal from your efforts at dealing with your new relationship in a healthy way. An 'Aha' moment awaits those who happily test themselves through a variety of situations & who aren't afraid of being wrong or failing. How else will you grow in your understanding of exactly the things you want from your life?
Author Aman R. Bhonsle is a is a qualified Psychosocial Analyst, Relationship Counsellor & Youth Mentor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with International Organisations and the youth for the last eight years
