Below are some of the exchanges from the relationships advice column, Baggage Check, published weekly in The Washington Post's Express:
Q : Your recent live chat got me thinking about physical affection levels. My wife of four years has always been the "cuddler." I assumed it is something I have to put up with. In truth, I don't like physical touch much outside of sex. When I think about not having to be physically affectionate in this way, I feel a sense of freedom! But is that out of bounds?
A: It's never out of bounds to open up a discussion with a partner about something that bothers you. And just because you've "put up" with something doesn't mean you have to keep doing so. I get that this is tough to bring up, and it's good you're cognizant of her feelings. But what's the alternative - spending decades being forced into unwanted physical contact? She shouldn't want that either. So, talk about it.
Use my chat as a starting point if you need, saying that you were reading about levels of desire for physical contact and you've been thinking about yours. The more you can find comfortable ways to increase intimacy overall - physical and emotional - the more you can meet in the middle, and both spend years feeling satisfied (and not groped).
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Q: I am divorced and dating a woman with young kids. I know her to be kind, smart, patient and relaxed. But she is none of these things with her kids. We have gone on outings and I have been stunned to see how she parents: Nervous, bossy and making big deals out of the smallest things. I don't know how to talk about this without seeming like I'm judging.
A: But you are judging. (And I mean that in the kindest, most nonjudgmental of ways.) You're allowed to have a reaction to her behavior. And pretending everything's fine only postpones the problem, or worse, it makes you complicit in potential mistreatment of her children. But might she also just be highly anxious in these situations? Maybe the pressures of these Meet Who I'm Dating! outings have thrown her for a loop. Have a real conversation about it, starting with an open-minded "curiosity," like: "Are you comfortable with these outings? You don't seem quite like yourself," or "I noticed how upset you got with Charlie about X. Is everything OK?" Having an honest and respectful discussion is the only way to figure out what's going on - and if it's a deal-breaker.
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Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, writes a weekly relationships advice column in The Washington Post's Express daily tabloid and is author of "The Friendship Fix." For more information, see www.drandreabonior.com. You can also follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior.
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