Q: My best friend has started asking me to cover for some not-so-great behavior, like going out drinking and meeting guys with this other friend. My friend says she needs to "have fun" more and that she married too young, even though she doesn't want an actual affair, but I think she is coming awfully close. Because I know her husband well (and he doesn't like this other friend), she is telling him she is out with me. It's not like he calls me to check up on her and I don't have to lie to him outright, so maybe I should just let it go? But I'm not OK with it.
A; Well, it wouldn't be peachy keen for her to, say, add you involuntarily as co-signer to her mortgage, so you have every right to object to this as well - even if you're never called upon to lie. She's your best friend: She owes it to you not to take advantage of you, and you owe it to her to speak up when she makes you uncomfortable. How about: "Mary, for you to say you're out with me puts me in the middle of your marriage in a way I don't want to be. I'm sorry, but I'm just not comfortable with it, and I wanted to be honest with you so that it doesn't affect our friendship."
Q. My parents are getting ready to divorce after many extremely unhappy years together, and my siblings and I are basically like, "Finally!" As they are both facing retirement, they will finally be able to live the lives they want to. But my wife is treating this as a huge tragedy, fretting about what to tell our toddler, who probably doesn't even understand they were married in the first place! She thinks I should be dealing with this more and even suggested therapy, and wants my siblings to rehash it all together. Honestly, I have never been more fine with anything. How do I get her to see the divorce as a good thing?
A: Enlisting a therapist to tell your wife you don't need a therapist. I like it!
First, the toddler issue. I agree, no need to initiate a conversation unless significant changes or questions come up, like who lives where and why. Straightforward and loving is best: "Grandma and Grandpa don't live in the same place anymore, but we are all still family and always will be. They love you oh so much!"
Now, for your own (wife-alleged) baggage. My guess is that she is struggling with their decision in her own right - perhaps she always hoped they'd find happiness together, or is now anticipating a logistical or interpersonal nightmare over who sits where at Thanksgiving - and she needs more acknowledgment that even if it is a positive thing, it is a change that feels like A Big Deal. So instead of focusing on your lack of angst, focus on why it's bothering her so much and how you can help - besides fabricating angst of your own (which this therapist clears you on).
Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, writes a weekly relationships advice column in The Washington Post's Express daily tabloid and is author of "The Friendship Fix."
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