Ivana Trump, the first wife of President Donald Trump, made a splash this week as she promoted her new motherhood memoir "Raising Trump" by joking that her OG status among Trump's three marriages made her "first lady."
The actual FLOTUS, Trump's current wife Melania, clearly was not amused, and her spokeswoman issued a statement dismissing Ivana's "attention-seeking and self-serving noise."
But Ivana Trump has a long track record of saying and doing exactly what she pleases - save for when she can't, due to that pesky reported nondisclosure agreement that came with her 1992 divorce settlement that keeps her from dishing on Donald. Inspired by her most recent literary effort and her saucy taunts, we dug into her last book, a 1995 manual on how to survive and thrive through a divorce.
Past the gold-scripted cover and soft-focus glamour shot of the author, we found it absolutely jammed with exactly the kind of advice we'd hope to get from a woman who turned down a top diplomatic post in her ex-husband's administration because she didn't want to miss summers in St. Tropez. This is the woman we need to coach us on how to cop a zero-figs-given attitude.
In "The Best Is Yet to Come: Coping With Divorce and Enjoying Life Again," Ivana glides over the particulars of her own divorce but offers up advice to other women going through a split on everything from how to fire staff to post-marriage sex (only when you're ready, ladies, and always on your terms). Among the earnest advice, here are some lines that are gems (multi-carat ones, of course, darling):
"A columnist once said: 'Ex-wives count for less than zero. They disappear.' I didn't accept that."
"I myself have decided to be no older than 28. I encourage you to make the same decision."
"If you can afford (plastic surgery) and if you want it, go ahead. Why not? I'm in favor of anything that makes you feel better, gives you confidence, and improves your image of yourself."
"We went in to the Taco Bell. They asked me what I wanted. Tacos, yes. That seemed to be the thing there. And a glass of chablis."
"When you have 'important jewelry' you have to worry about it. Who wants to spend their vacation waiting to get into or out of a safe-deposit box?"
"Society has a marvelous invention for women who for one reason or another are not romantically linked and don't want to appear to be. Certain friends - and everyone knows who they are - are accepted as escorts and escorts only."
"If your youngster needs a boost socially, throw a blini party. ... Tell me the truth: doesn't it put you in a good mood just to think about throwing a blini party?"
"I believe that every woman who can afford it should go to a spa once or twice a year."
"Christmas Eve in Vienna is fabulous."
"There's nothing wrong with old money, and nothing wrong with new money, either."
"I've always thought Cinderella should have said good-bye to those nasty relatives, cleaned herself up and gotten a cute apartment somewhere."
(c) 2017, The Washington Post
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