A couplehood is a project that one has to be emotionally invested in, and which has to be nurtured and handled with great care if both are to derive joy out of it. Sustaining a significant and intimate relationship at home is challenging enough as both need to constantly negotiate the relationship to be comfortable. Therefore, if the couple along with sharing a life at home, also share a work life, the challenges double. The work-home interface can get extremely stressful if not maturely and sensitively handled. There are couples who may have met at work and tied the knot as employees of the same organisation and chosen to continue to work there in their respective positions. Then there are those who decide to do business together, or share the same professional space like dental surgeons (sharing a dental clinic), doctors (sharing the same clinic space and even referring cases to each other), creative writers /designers (sharing creative space like an ad agency/production house/design studio) etc. There are others who may just assist the spouse for a particular project, or regularly but in a limited capacity as an assistant.
Whatever is the case, sharing a work space comes with its own challenges and also its own rewards.
The Downside
The downside of working together, therefore, can be enumerated as:
1. Work issues carried into the home and affecting emotional/physical intimacy as well as the reverse, with personal issues affecting work efficiency and work environment.
2. Claustrophobia and no personal space away from each other for essential 'me' time especially if there are arguments, therefore no time to calmly process issues alone.
3. Inability to get out of 'shop talk' even at home, leaving no time to connect in other intimate ways i.e.'we' time.
4. Ego hassles on who has the final authority in crucial decision making at work.
5. Competitiveness in work quality and score keeping about who works more and who contributes more to the profits and success of the business.
6. Work and decision making suffering because of irreconcilable differences between risk-appetite, handling staff, expenditure allocation, client servicing, etc.
7. Conflicting messages to staff leading to confused and disgruntled workers leading to frequent staff turnover.
The Upside
The upside of working together, therefore, can be enumerated as :
1. Efficiency doubles as you can stand in for each other in emergencies when you are from the same profession or when you know all the aspects of the running of the business. Therefore it also increases financial security in the business.
2. No worries about financial irregularities with your spouse as your trusted partner, as he/she is equally invested in it as 'our' business and not there for personal gains.
3. Both being equally interested in the success of the business, both would willingly work hard and also understand the work demands, time constraints etc. and therefore empathise with the other.
4. Work and pleasure can often be combined while travelling for out of town meetings, conferences etc.
5. Knowledge can be exchanged and new skills acquired by one can be taught to the other if from the same profession.
6. Creative brainstorming, thus bringing out the best from both, and offering the best to clients.
7. Logistical comforts like commuting to and from work together, having coffee breaks and lunch together at work, thus having more time to catch up and connect compared to other couples.
A Project for 'the Project'
No significant relationship can survive healthily unless it is given a 'project status', and unless it is worked on consistently and maturely, nurtured sensitively, and negotiated respectfully by both. Therefore, the work doubles for a couple ('the project') who now works together professionally or in a business (a project).
Some ground rules for couples working together are:
1. Separate identities with clear role demarcations based on skill-sets of both, with independent decision-making within those roles with no interference from the other. Suggestions can be asked from and made by the other, but the final authority would lie with the one whose role it is.
2. Major financial decisions and any other big decisions in the running of the business to be made through a mutually respectful consultative process.
3. Separate and equal geographical space for both within the office which gives a sense of personal space, personal identity and aids functionality.
4. De-clutter the work-home interface and actively de-link one from the other to give your best at both places. E.g. To and from work hear some music in the car, plan a weekend break/holiday, discuss children etc., and actively avoid (or if extremely necessary then 'timetable') 'shop talk' at home, while also actively avoiding discussing home issues at work.
5. See your work as a manifestation of the team spirit of both, and an example of how well both can work together. Make it a collaboration and not a competition.
6. If there are intricate personal issues that require resolution, keep them 'on hold' while at work, and schedule them to be discussed only once you are home. Maintain the sanctity of both spaces.
7. While making work decisions be worshipful, not allowing 'I want' to erode the decision. Instead always ask yourself what's best for 'our work' and what's best for 'us'.
Heart to Heart
My husband and I together set up the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre several years ago, to help and train people in the area of mental health as we were both passionate about the same. It was 'our baby' that we together nurtured, and today it has come of age. The fruits of our nurturance are there for all to see. When we counsel couples, our own life speaks louder than our words, and it is this speaking from experience that has made all the difference in helping rescue and enhance so many relationships. When we talk of the 'labor of love' we know from direct experience, the labor that goes into sustaining a loving and harmonious partnership. Our personal relationship and Heart to Heart have both been cherished projects and we respect and value what each of us contributes to the team.
We have creatively brainstormed when designing workshops and co-authoring articles, we have combined work and pleasure travelling to conferences and to set up counselling cells in remote areas, we have shared knowledge with each other, we have held the fort for each other in emergencies, we have both worked hard according to our own skill sets and never interfered in each other's domains, and we have taken care to have and respect each one's own individual space at work. We have also learned through trial and error to strike the right balance between 'work time', 'we time', and 'me time', as well as to maintain the sanctity of both our worlds by not mixing one with the other, and it has truly been a tremendously rewarding journey for us.
Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.
