Whether married or just dating, the ramifications of being cheated on by your steady partner are devastating. Feelings of hurt, self-doubt, anxiety, depression and anger are common when your partner cheats on you. For the relationship to continue, despite the cheating, the very least that the cheating partner is expected to do, is to verbally express deep remorse, to acknowledge the pain and hurt in the other, to make a sincere and heartfelt apology, humbly requesting forgiveness, and to commit to never erode the exclusivity and sanctity of the relationship again. However, this does not always happen, and the one who has been cheated on, is left hurt and pained, nursing his/her own wounds, while the cheater moves on with his/her life.
But worse than the ending of the relationship after such cheating, is to stay on in the relationship for all the wrong reasons. Finances, social esteem, children, lifestyle, fear of loneliness and dating anxieties, low self esteem, religious beliefs, family pressures, and a mindset of 'something is better than nothing', are some of the reasons people continue in relationships even when there's cheating without any true remorse or mending of ways. Besides some anxiety about being caught, the cheater often feels no regret or guilt, but instead feels that his/her choice is a valid and justifiable need.
CommentsLet us look at why cheating happens when in an exclusive relationship and also in marriages.
Puppy Love
The adoring and worshipful affection wears out when you date really young, and you grow out of the other as you grow into yourself. The more clearly you know who you really are, the more you realise that the one you are dating is not 'the one'. At such times you may find a more meaningful relationship elsewhere that is too hard to resist as it calls out to 'who you are' and 'what you want'. At such times, you cheat on your present partner but do not view it as cheating as it seems more aligned to your core.
Race and Chase
There are those who like the race and chase, collect relationship trophies and move on to the next conquest. Such individuals get bored with their coveted prize and let it 'rust'. You cannot trust such a person when you are one of their many conquests. Get prepared to be cheated on shortly. They absolutely love the adrenaline rush and the powerful high experienced while conquering their next frontier, much more than valuing the committed relationship.
In Love with 'Love'
Such individuals are in love with the 'idea of love' and come across as very romantic, doing all the mushy Valentine stuff. However, their overly romanticised versions of what a relationship 'should' look like, make them overlook a perfectly good and solid relationship that they might have, in search of the 'ideal love' and 'soulmate'. They crush what they have in search of more mush, and expect you to 'understand' that they have cheated for 'love'. They keep 'falling in love' as opposed to 'rising in love' with their committed partner.
Give me More
These are those who have an insatiable need for attention, believing that they deserve it, seek to be put on a pedestal and worshipped for how wonderful they are in their relationship. They seek admirers, and not an equal partnership. However, as one moves on with the business of life, there could be disagreements, differences of opinion, and debates. This being unpalatable to them, they seek to play mentor or seek admirers by throwing their charms, and often cheat on their 'equal' relationship with those they are mentoring and those who pump them up.
Cars and Candy
Men who want women who are arm candy and women who want men in swanky cars are, to begin with, in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. They are going to cheat with the next shiny thing that comes their way. They use their present relationship as just one rung of the ladder, and their aim is to reach the top of the ladder leaving several rungs behind. Increasing their financial and social esteem is their only goal, and if you are dating such a person, you are sure to become collateral damage along the way.
Sex in the City
Wanting sex, wanting more sex, wanting better sex, wanting varied sex, wanting exciting sex, wanting naughty sex, is a prime reason for cheating in relationships that do not have much emotional depth or meaning to begin with. Being denied sex or unsatisfactory sex with the partner, having a greater sexual appetite than the partner, wanting to live out pornographic fantasies that are repulsive to the partner, wanting to experiment with multiple sexual partners, wanting to cheat for sensation seeking is a common reason for cheating.
Wave on a Rave
There are many stories of people who cheat on their steady partners under the influence of drugs and alcohol and for thrill seeking. At a rave party on the beach, on a yacht party with hookers, at a farmhouse party, in Bangkok with the boys, on a cruise liner or a solo vacation, on an office off-site with a colleague, on a long trek with a fellow camper etc. This kind of 'roll in the hay' is a rampant form of cheating. It is often seen as a sport for boys to measure their sexual prowess or as 'boys will be boys', and for girls the excuse of 'I was too drunk' and 'I don't know how it happened' always comes handy for their thrill seeking.
Miles and New Lifestyles
A committed but long distance relationship is often severely challenged because of the loneliness experienced without the partner, as well as the newness and differentness of lifestyle in a new environment. A different exposure to a new culture, new people, new ideas etc. often creates an increasing disconnect in a relationship. If there are different time zones, then it only adds to the problem. Whether one goes off for education or work, the fact is that there will be new associations made by both in each other's absence, and either one of the partners could get emotionally and sexually intimate with someone and cheat on the relationship.
Fire and Fury
People who are subjected to emotional, verbal or physical abuse in relationships, often remain victims of the abuse till they find a rescuing lover who they cheat with. They do not have the courage to get out of the abusive relationship till there is someone who jumps in to rescue them. The emotional and sexual relationship outside continues, and the one cheating eagerly waits to get caught by the abuser in order to end the relationship.
Waning Emotional Intimacy
After several years of being in a marriage, one might get caught up in the humdrum of life and drift apart from the primary partner. When one feels that the closeness once felt is waning, intimate conversations are diminishing, smiles and laughter are replaced with logistics and business-like talks, and living like housemates, then it creates a vacuum for another relationship. The need to feel validated, appreciated, and significant is what drives people into emotional relationships. And when that stops in the primary relationship, straying happens. Cheating often happens in the quest for emotional closeness, empathic friendship and conversational chemistry.
It's My Life
People who are denied their choice of a partner due to religious, community or parental pressure, and are forced into an arranged match, often resent their marital status and are stuck in a time warp with a desire to return to their youth. Such people continue to fantasise about a relationship by choice. Stories about affairs with secretaries, colleagues, and even affairs with spouses of friends is seen in individuals with such histories. Keeping a mistress while having a wife at home, and even having a man other than your husband is an urban phenomenon for those who are unwilling to accept their primary relationship as one of choice.
The Family Curse
Cheating on spouses is often seen in families. Those who have known of affairs and promiscuity in either one or both their parents, or have known of the presence of another 'significant other' in either of their parent's life, or are a child of the second marriage of their parent, or then have witnessed divorce and remarriage of their parent, might view cheating on their primary partner as 'acceptable' and the 'norm'.
Maturation and Adulthood
Sometimes a couple stays for years in an unhealthy fit of a parent-child dynamic, alternating with 'playing' the nurturing parent or needy child to the other. Then when one of the two matures and priorities change, and if he/she comes across a mature psychological adult in his/her life, the need for an adult-adult relationship emerges. At such times if the other does not mature to want the same thing, the one who does not want to play parent or child, seeks it outside the marriage, and cheats on the primary partner to experience an adult-adult relationship.
Talk, Don't Cheat
Affairs and cheating on the primary partner, is often a complex mix of desire, lust, power, sensation-seeking, self-interest, distress, escape, need for emotional connection, maturation and even chasing a fantasy. The fact that we are all individuals on our individual life journeys, means that we may not always think and feel alike, and may not always need and want the same things at the same time. This means that two people in a relationship must always keep the lifeline of communication open. When we talk about our needs, our desires, our concerns, our dreams and our aspirations freely, we continue to remain clued into what both need.
Growing up does not necessarily mean growing apart. Changing relationship needs does not always mean that the primary partner will not be able to fulfil those needs. Talk, Trust and give Time to the relationship to catch up with your evolving needs. The key is communication, which may have to be sensitively facilitated in couple's counselling. And if during the course of communication, both realise that their paths have digressed so much that both cannot pursue happiness together, then wish each other well and pursue happiness apart.
Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.
