If there's one thing that technology has made us, it's picky. When it's not right, if we don't like the way it fits or the colour, we change it. And it's something that spills over to our relationships as well. It's simple really - if you don't like what you get, just swipe left. While it's always nice to uphold high standards, it's another thing to be fussy. You see, the line between them really is quite thin. So somewhere between disliking the way his nose looked or the risotto he selected, it becomes so easy to move on that any sense of compromise is lost entirely.
In our parent's generation, staying married for 30 and 40 years was never a big deal. Today, that's changed. One of the main reasons for the rising divorce rate is exactly this - neither partner is willing to relent and they'd rather live apart than compromise together. So where does one draw the line? It's unhealthy saying yes so much that you lose yourself and saying no so often that you lose your partner.
So is compromise really possible in modern relationships?
Says relationship counsellor, Dr. Minnu Bhonsle, "The word 'compromise' has a negative connotation. A better word to use is 'negotiation' as it's about finding win-win solutions, or then agreeing to disagree respectfully on 'minor' issues." When it comes to compromise, balance is key as it allows both sides to be heard. "Sometimes, the decision of one is accepted as 'our' decision and at other times the view of the other is accepted as 'our' view," says Dr. Bhonsle.
Although it can seem so, compromise isn't some draconian concept. It's possible to have varying views and still come to a consensus. To do so, just remember that you need to make a conscious effort. Dr. Bhonsle says, "The negotiation requires a willingness for an ongoing, mutually respectful dialogue on all issues that affect both - as well as a commitment to a consultative process and collaborative approach as a couple."
Remind yourself that there isn't a scorecard and it's not about who won this round and who lost that one. Think of this negotiation process as a healthy way to air your thoughts with someone you cherish.
"This negotiation results in decisions that are 'relatively comfortable' to both. It is possible only if both have the mindset of 'building up' a valued relationship and not the mindset of 'giving up' one's desires. This does not make either one feel that they are 'sacrificing' anything, but instead, both view the relationship as a valued 'project' that one is emotionally invested in, and will therefore willingly work for its success." says Dr. Minnu Bhonsle.
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Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.
