Will He Ever Be Ready To Get Married?

When a man is not committing to marriage or even discussing it, some women tend to feel uneasy and insecure. Their worst fears at such times are that... He may never marry her and simply call it off one day, that she may never have a significant love relationship thereafter, that she may never have the family life she desires. At such times she wonders whether she should give him an ultimatum to commit, call it off or just wait endlessly and risk the fact that it might never culminate in marriage.

The fact is that for most men, unlike most women, marriage is a huge decision, as they have not grown up thinking of the perfect wedding day, but have instead been socialised to plan a career and stability before they assume the responsibility of marriage and kids.

Men also need to feel ready emotionally and financially, while also feeling stable in their careers and free of family pressures, to go ahead with this new phase of life. Such readiness cannot be forced or expedited. If the man feels pressured with ultimatums or pushed against the wall to cater to your dream of a wedding and service your aspirations, he may relent but resent you for a lifetime. On the other hand, he may view you as selfish and insensitive to his need for 'readiness' and see you as someone who merely sees him as a missing piece to complete the picture of your life. At such times he could feel that you value your dream more than him and his needs, and that is a bad place to start a life together. Both need to feel that they are marrying each other and not the 'idea of marriage'.

It is also possible that the 'readiness' is not there because he thinks that he does not know the potential partner sufficiently. Remember, it is not the quantity of time spent together but the quality of that time that brings about readiness. It is only when the relationship goes through various life glitches that one understands how an individual works through struggles. For example, job loss and career switches, health issues and grief in a family, financial challenges and sudden change of life plans, all test the resilience of an individual and of the relationship.

Some men view marriage as necessary only for procreation, and if a man does not want babies he may not be inclined to marry while continuing to love you and the relationship with you. Therefore, this is something that should come up in discussion with your man. His views on having babies will reveal how he views marriage and the timing of marriage, if at all. This will help you decide about the future of the relationship.

It's important to listen to your man rather than talk to your man about marriage. You could ask him as to what he constitutes as 'readiness', ask him to share about how surefooted he feels in his career and financial life, how accepting his family might or might not be of the match and how he feels about that, how he feels about having babies (if and when), how he feels about the compatibility and long-term sustainability of the relationship, and whether both of you need to change the quality of time and talks to know how the relationship would weather storms going forward.

Assure him that you do not want to marry the 'idea of marriage' but that you want to marry him for a mutually loving and fulfilling life. And that a few months here or there would not change anything if he needs the time.

Such a conversation where you listen and assure him that he is not being rushed to cater to your agenda, can relax him into thinking clearly about the idea of marriage.

Also ask yourself about whether you see marriage as the panacea for all your insecurities, fears and problems. Why do you want to marry and who do you want to marry? Do you want to marry for love and to share a journey with someone who is equally enthused about joining you in this journey? Or do you want to marry because you 'must' marry someone on a timeline? Know yourself authentically first before thinking about whether the man in your life wants to get married.

It is not for me to say whether you should wait for your man or not. What I can say is that you must have an honest talk in which you share your authentic self, clearly voicing your desire for marriage, and then listen to his authentic self, without pressuring or ultimatums. Let such honest conversations reveal to both whether both choose this journey together or not.

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.