The pressure on women to do more and be more than men has been a phenomenon that has been prevalent since, perhaps, the beginning of time. Unfortunately, it's a conversation that's still ongoing, with a conclusion somewhere far off in the horizon. Some, like my grandmother, tell me that the fact that this conversation has started at all, is a big step and a blessing in itself. She says, back in her time women who were ambitious, and at this point she glances at me, were not looked at as being suitable for marriage. How could women who work have time to manage their home and nurture a family? That's what their ultimate duty is, after all - and women who forgot that, seldom lead a life filled with joy and contentment.
I explain to my grandmother that that's not how the world works today, with examples of the women around me. Women who work, are successful and have a happy life at home too. She understands, but I'm left questioning my very own explanation to her.
Are we women really entitled, and I use this word with the sagacity of the world around me, to lead a life divided between the two worlds that in a way, make us, us? Can we lead the life most men lead - of being the breadwinner and a 'family woman' - without the guilt of not being available to either world 24 hours of the day?
Those of us who are able to battle the guilt and just do what we do, certainly can. The rest of us, not so much.
I fall in the latter category - no matter what I do, my state of being is constantly ridden with the overwhelming feeling of guilt. If I need to work late and can't make it to a friend's birthday, I spend days trying to compensate, or rather, overcompensate. If I'm sick and can't make it to work, even in my barely able to walk state, my first instinct is to try and get dressed and somehow make it to office. And if I absolutely can't, it takes me several minutes of overthinking and many deleted drafts to finally send an email saying "I can't make it".
Why? I often ask myself. Why does it take so much for me to be able to say "I can't"? Or "I can, but in my own time." Surely, the people around me, who value me in some way or another, would be able to understand.
Nonetheless, it has less to do with them and more with my state of mind and the way that most women are conditioned from when they were merely little girls. See, we were being raised to be the ideal daughters and wives. But somewhere along the way, thanks to the many inspiring women around us, we also started wanting more for ourselves - to be something that didn't simply make us the dependant of a man in our lives.
So, slowly, but surely, I'm learning. I'm learning to be able to do what is needed of me, but also for me. And along the way, here are a few things I've learnt - the commandments that I as a working woman, must learn to live by :
1. Do what makes you happy
Sounds simple enough, but it's not.
As someone who works a full time job, I like to spend my evenings post work doing what I need to do for myself. Sometimes it means going for a run, sometimes, catching up with a friend for a movie or dinner, or sometimes, just coming back home and sitting by myself, eating my favourite kind of food and watching bad TV. When I don't get to do the following things on the day that I feel the need to to them, I turn into quite a grumpy person.
But I realised over time that it was getting hard to plan my schedule around my moods and my needs - although, that's exactly how it should ideally be planned. See, you can't change other people's plans - and in all likelihood, they're not going to be willing to change them for you.
So go ahead and do what you need to do. I've been at the end of the angst of friends and family who would constantly complain about how I never came for their lunches or was always late for dinners. Here's the thing, I want to meet them, but I only have so much time to do that - just like most other people who work long hours. There are days when I go out of my way to meet the people that matter, but there are some days that the only person I feel the need to appease is myself. And I'm realising that that's okay too. If I'm not happy, I'm going to be no fun to meet anyway.
2. Don't overcommit
Overcommitting is a major problem. In fact, it is often the only problem that lands people like me in trouble. It is also the outcome of guilt, as I have come to realise.
Not so long ago I found myself saying yes to just about every plan that came my way. That might have worked, if only, I had it in me to at least be honest with myself about what time I could actually reach a certain place. But my guilt for having missed so many lunches, dinners and get togethers already, had me agree to any and all conditions thrown my way.
Same with work. I was taking on more than I could actually, humanly do in one day - all so as not to upset anyone else.
This led to more people getting upset with me than a simple, "can we keep it for tomorrow" or "not today, please" might have.
Bottom line - Being straightforward and honest with yourself about what you will be and will not be able to do in a day can actually save you from a lot more guilt than saying yes and not being able to follow through.
3. Make a schedule and stick to it
It might sound like another task added to your never ending to-do list, but setting yourself a basic day to day or weekly schedule can save you so much time and mind numbing calculation.
Set yourself a certain amount of work time, family time, friends time, me time or any other time you need or want in a day or week and then try and stay within that.
Knowing where you need to be or what you need to be doing a few days or even hours in advance can save you from going completely bonkers at the end of each day.
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